


In the Darks

by hernameinthesky



Category: Affinity - Sarah Waters
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21790042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameinthesky/pseuds/hernameinthesky
Summary: Selina in the dark cell.
Relationships: Selina Dawes/Margaret Prior, Selina Dawes/Ruth Vigers
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	In the Darks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slightlykylie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlykylie/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, slightlykylie!

She sits against a wall to remind herself that there are walls. Her eyes closed so that the dark is a choice. Her arms are pinned around her with some kind of jacket, and at first she was glad, to be held tightly, to be reined in, but now her shoulders are aching and her hands have become very cold. Her teeth ache from tearing at her bedclothes and she tastes blood, metallic and nauseating. She is trembling on an edge. If she opens her eyes now she will be faced with the impenetrable darkness, will feel the crushing weight of the prison above her, and she will begin to howl like an animal and will not ever be able to stop.

The matrons think she is alone. She wishes she was, for alone she could scream and writhe and not be ashamed of it. Her mother is here again, standing tall over her and watching with an unfathomable, relentless gaze. Mrs Brink is here too, and her voice is tremulous, "How could you?"

 _How could_ you, _Mrs Brink?_ she might reply. _I am not the only sinner here._

And worst of all are Peter’s dark eyes, reading her in the darkness. Does he suspect? Can he see the last figure?

She is tall and thin, but soft too. She is stretching out both arms towards Selina, palms up – Selina can see her as clearly as though they were standing together in sunlight – and in her hands is her own wet, beating heart.

Perhaps it is Aurora’s blood she tastes, for it was she Selina thought of as she bit down.

 _“_ Aurora, Aurora,” she whispers, and that makes Aurora cry. She is offering Selina her heart, but what is Selina supposed to do with it? What use is a heart when what she needs is a key?

There is a clanging and then Miss Haxby’s voice saying, “Are you sorry yet, Dawes?”

Only then does Selina open her eyes and squint towards the square of light far above her. Perhaps, she thinks with leaping relief, they are here to let her out.

“Oh, yes, I am sorry,” she says in a faint, wilting voice. “I don’t know what came over me, Miss Haxby. Poor Miss Brewer who only thought to bring me a nice surprise, how is she? Will you tell her how sorry I am?”

“I will not worry her with any mention of you, you have made her very ill,” Miss Haxby says coldly. She is looking at Selina with mistrust, but there is confusion there as well. She did not think to find Selina repentant so soon. “Come closer to the light, Dawes.”

Selina struggles to stand without her hands free. She rolls clumsily, staggering up and almost falling again, catching herself with her shoulder against the damp wall. It is for the best though that she looks weak. A meek little lamb come home to her shepherd. She stands close to the door, with the light full on her face, squinting at the sudden brightness. She feels the figures fade into the darkness behind her, but they are not gone, they will not leave her in such distress. Mrs Jelf is standing a little way behind Miss Haxby, but she doesn’t look at Selina.

“Now tell me the truth, Dawes, why did you react so to the news that you were to be moved?”

 _Were to be_ , Selina could weep with relief. Mrs Jelf has squeezed her eyes shut behind Miss Haxby’s back, her jaw clenched as though preparing herself for a blow.

“I can’t say,” she says softly, pitiably.

“You must say.”

“But I don’t know. I felt so queer, it came so suddenly. I- I was frightened.”

Now Mrs Jelf is looking at her, gratitude shining in her eyes, and Selina is suddenly afraid she’s going to burst out laughing. Such a strange spider web of people who want her- but who is the spider? That is less clear.

“What were you frightened of?”

“I don’t know. Of- Of change, perhaps. It seems so strange that there is a world outside of Millbank walls that I almost can’t believe it.”

She is calmer now. She is safe. They will take her to a lower ward for a while, but not for long. Then it is back to Mrs Jelf and Aurora.

“I am truly sorry,” Selina says, looking earnestly into Miss Haxby’s suspicious little eyes. “I am wretched at the thought that I have hurt poor Miss Brewer. I feel as though someone else must have done it, I cannot see how I could have.”

“But it was you.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Selina bows her head, her short hanks of hair falling forward.

There is a period of silence, then Mrs Jelf says very quietly, “She is sorry, Miss Haxby, as I said she would be. She is not a bad girl.”

“But she is, Mrs Jelf, and it concerns me that you don’t see it, particularly as you have witnessed the results of her foul act of violence yourself.”

“She had a terrible shock.”

“I do not call it terrible. No other woman struck out, and many have been here longer than she and have more reason to be confused by it.”

Selina looks up without lifting her head, gazing miserably into Miss Haxby’s face. But Miss Haxby is not looking at her. She is reaching her hand up to close the window in the door.

“No!” Selina cries, panicked. “Let me out! Oh, please, let me out! They torture me!”

“There is nobody there with you-”

“Oh, there is, there is and I cannot bear it!”

Miss Haxby snorts. “Every woman I’ve put here says the same. Think on your sins and on Miss Brewer, and perhaps your conscience will quiet.”

“No, no-”

The dark swallows her.

“No, please! No.”

She slams her shoulder against the door again and again.

“Please, Mrs Jelf! Come back! Let me out! Let me out!”

She does not know how much time has passed when she sits again, curled as tightly as she can in her restraints. She is shaking from cold now and her arms are cramping painfully. Around her they crowd - her mother, Mrs Brink, Peter – reminding her: _You are not safe._ Only Aurora does not come close. Selina will not let her. She is as weak as Selina herself. Only Ruth has ever been strong enough to fight. Ruth with her thick arms and strong hands and dark eyes that see right through people to their souls. That saw Selina’s soul, alone and friendless, and decided to help. Her rise was, is, and always will be dependent on Ruth.

Selina will not be so silly as to stray. She knows to whom she belongs.


End file.
